Dee Jay Gordon Fire Away!

By Dee Jay Gordon

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Who wakes me with a cheery song?
Who's dependable all day long?
Who smiles at me when he boots up
And doesn't mind all the coffee cups?
Who's in a good mood every morning?
"Intel Inside"? Thanks for the warning!
Who makes me happy when I feel blue?
My Macintosh do!

Hello. My name is Dee Jay and I am a Mac addict. (Hi, Dee Jay!) My first computing experience was with a 286 PC about 5 years ago. It was a gift from my computer teacher, who was truly frustrated with my inability to grasp the finer points of control-alt-delete. He wiped his fevered brow and dried his tears and sent me down the road with my new treasure. "Go, and darken my door no more!" he intoned. Unbeknownst to me, he had summoned a demon to inhabit this particular machine. This demon's name was DOS.

After a couple of years of command cheat-sheets and "DOS for Dummies", I decided that it was time for something else. My computing pals assured me that a 486 running Windows 3.1 was the answer. I happily tottered down to the computer store, armed with a spec sheet that my pals had made up for me.

Two hours into my computer purchasing experience, I had carpal tunnel and none of the salespeople would come near me. Finally a young salesman approached me tentatively. "I have just the thing for you," he said, and he brought me around the display table and there in front of me sat the most beautiful machine in the Universe. "Go on, boot it up," he urged. I pressed a button and music started to play. Up came this happy little computer face, and I knew I had found my machine.

I actually hesitate to say "machine" because, as all Mac owners know, bringing one home is like adopting a baby. The interface is so physical that you think of it as a member of your family. Want to place a document in a different folder? Drag and drop. Not sure where you saved your report? Ask Mac to find it for you. My little friend will even warn me when I do something stupid to it. Up comes a little dialog box that says, "You didn't do that right. Want me to take care of it for you?" Real men should be so accommodating.

I can hear you IBM-types screaming right now. PC folks have a real problem with us Mac babies. They exclaim that NO ONE uses a Mac! You can't get any SOFTWARE for it! It's STUPID! Personally, I think they're just jealous. I for one have been using my Mac for two years now, for personal and business, and I recommend them to all my friends. It is truly dummy-proof, and very dependable. Although I can use Windows 3.1 and '95, plus the dreaded DOS, I still prefer my Mac.

I have a very good friend who uses an Aptiva something-or-another. He harps on me constantly about the Mac, calling it derogatory names and implying that my intelligence is sub-standard because of it. Last weekend it was absolutely gorgeous outside, so I ambled over to his house to see if he and his wife would like to come out and play. There he was, stuffed in the computer room, busily typing and clicking away, cursing at his computer. Needless to say, I was appalled because I would never dream of talking to my Mac that way.

"Whatcha doin'?" I asked. He growled at me and said, "My hard drive isn't reading my something-or-another, and my doohickey seems to be corrupted. I have to erase the whole hard drive and reinstall everything. This is the fourth time this month that I've had this problem, and now it's not recognizing Windows. This stupid machine!" Isn't it amazing when a computer doesn't even recognize it's own operating system? "Hmmm," I said, "That's too bad. I'm going to the park. See ya!" And with that, I walked out into the bright sunshine, leaving him in his smoke-filled room to coerce his computer into doing some actual computing. Maybe that's why PC users are so fiercely loyal. If they didn't have to constantly reformat, uninstall, reinstall, and wipe out viruses, what else would they have to do with their time? Dr. Dee Jay's prescription for happiness? Get a Mac and get a life!

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