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Fire Away! by Dee Jay Gude
I know this is old hat for regular readers - you already know I want to be King. But now I want to run for President. Not be President, mind you - too much butt-kissing involved - just run for President.

I fantasize about my interview with Wolf Blitzer:

Q: Do you plan on meeting with Rev. Al Sharpton to talk about racial issues?
A: Why?

I salivate thinking about how I would answer some of the questions put to candidates:

Q: Boxers or briefs?
A: Let's see. Boxers pummel their opponents, briefs are something lawyers file. Ummm...definitely boxers. Oh, wait I minute - I just thought of Barbara Boxer...let's go with briefs.

I get positively delirious imagining journalists interviewing my mother.

Q: Mrs. Munyon, what is your opinion of race relations in America?
A: I know I don't like that Winston Cup thing because it's named after cigarettes. And, hell, call me Beej.

But, even better, what I'd really love is to have "Liar, Liar" day on the TV news shows. I'd love to have Carolyn Condit come on and say, "Who cares? I know you don't think I married Gary for his sparkling wit and personal integrity. Duh!" To hear Kwesi Mfume say, "There was no voter irregularity in Florida. We were just mad because our guy lost." To hear Kim Gandy say, "Women have just as many opportunities as men in America but that doesn't get my salary paid." To hear James Carville say, "If I did something like that, I'd lie too" (Oh, yeah...he did say that. So really, what's so hard about telling the truth?)

Sometimes I marvel at these political types and just how pathologically mendacious they really are. The truth is almost always a better idea than a lie because one lie leads to another, then another, and pretty soon you have this quagmire of lies to wade through. Then you look like an idiot who, well, lies. Wouldn't it be simpler to just tell the truth right off the bat? "Yes, not only did I have sex with my intern but I accepted money from a foreign nation to finance my campaign. And I'm not sorry for it in the least because it got me here today." Now there's nothing left for the media to chew on, no public investigations, nothing. Nobody cares anymore because they're too stunned to react.

Of course, what would be even simpler than that is to not do illegal or immoral things in the first place - then you really don't have anything to worry about. But, since that's a pipe dream, I'll go for the "Liar, Liar" show. The host could hook guests up to a polygraph machine and say out loud when the stress level goes up.

Q: Mr. Congressman, what is more important to you - keeping your campaign promises or getting elected?
A: Cokie, I am fully invested in the people of my district..BEEP BEEP BEEP!!!

I can hear you now saying, "Yeah, but who would go on a show like that?" And that's my point! Wouldn't you have to wonder about people who refused to make an appearance? I would think just seeing who would agree to be a guest and who wouldn't would be more telling than any lie detector test in the world.

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