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After much speculation about the state of the world and watching We The People in action, I've made a New Year's Resolution:  I resolve to be King in 1998.  Not President, as that would entail actually getting nominated and elected, thereby using a democratic process.  I think we've already established that folks don't know what's good for them, or they would quit electing liars and thieves to public office.  No, I want to be King of the United States, so that I can be supreme ruler and tell everyone what to do.

I intend to be somewhat of a tyrant as well, because that's the only way we can get rid of the whiners and crybabies.  The immoral minority can picket and protest and grumble all they want and it won't get them anywhere except shown to the door.  I've gotten quite adept at pooh-poohing complainers in the years since my children have been born.  Yes, much like in my household, the world will be run by a benevolent leader who cares very much for your well-being, so much, in fact, that you can't get your way just because you stomp and hold your breath.

Here are a few scenarios, so you can see what America would be like if I were King:

Let's say prison inmates go on a hunger strike because they can't have Nintendo 64.   Why on Earth should I waste one minute of my life concerning myself with a bunch of criminals' petty demands for luxuries when law-abiding taxpayers can't even afford that stuff for themselves?  Let the crooks starve, I say!  Less money to have to shell out feeding them.  And PS, no more special diets for those punks.  Prison isn't a restaurant, eat what you're given or go hungry.  And about that "jury of peers" business when it comes sentencing time:  what are the odds that a bunch of "peers" of the person on trial are going to find him guilty?  Half of the time, these people are living in dire straights themselves, so they are more likely to empathize with the crook in question.  Juries will be elected by the voting public in order to bring in unbiased jurors who have some sense.  No more "OJ verdicts".

And welfare?  Sorry, kids, if you want welfare you have to get a job.  We'll supplement your income if you need it, but you have to show that you're a grown up and not a dependent.  What's that you say?  You have three children at home and can't afford day care?  We'll be happy to pick up the cost of that as well.  All I'm looking for is for you to get off your butt and be a productive member of society.   Can't find a job?  There are a million things you can do, from picking up trash off the streets to painting over graffiti (which will be a capital offense, by the way) to entertaining seniors in nursing homes.  And let me warn you, if you are taking state aid your household will be monitored for drugs and child abuse.  If I find either of those behaviors in your home, your children will be promptly removed and you will go to jail.  You will no longer be eligible for welfare programs, even after your time is served until you have been thoroughly evaluated by professionals and found truly repentant of your destructive ways.  Children learn what they live, and the message you are sending to your kids is that they don't have to take responsibility for their actions nor do they have to abide by the law.  This in turn breeds the Future Felons of America (thanks, Greg!) and my goal is to stop crime before it starts.

If you are a responsible citizen over the age of 18, you will be awarded full benefit of adulthood.  This means that I won't insult your intelligence by telling you what you can and can't do in your own home or place of business.  If you break the law, I will assume you didn't quite evolve into adulthood and you will be "grounded" (see above).  But for the majority of you who are taking care of your lives without the benefit of illegal activity, you get to do as you please.  This means that if you want your bar or restaurant to accommodate smokers, you have that right.  If you don't, that's fine as well.  But it will be your choice.  If you want to eat Ben & Jerry's and potato chips all day long, you will be able to do that.  Some wacko is trying to put a bill before Congress that will levy a large tax on anything the FDA determines "junk food", in order to get Americans to eat healthier.  This is a gross infringement of our rights.  We should be able to eat what we please and don't need the government telling us what to eat.  They tell us what to do far too much already.

And taxes?  Forget withholding!  From the moment I become King, every citizen of the U.S. will receive a monthly bill from the government for his taxes.  It will include an itemized statement that tells you just how your contribution was spent, from government payrolls and defense spending to scientific research.  Taxes will be determined by income breakdown, sort of like a modified flat tax.  The poor can't be expected to pay as much as the rich, and those who've worked their rears off to making a good living shouldn't be penalized for being successful.  When you vote for your state representatives, it will be a true democracy with no Electoral College or any other nonsense like that.  Candidates for state office will be able to raise funds any way they choose, but all of their advertising and campaign materials will have to include the names of their contributors.  This way if they are taking funds from foreign interests or drug runners, the voters will know who that candidates supporters are.   There will be no need for government elections because I'll be King.  Waste of taxpayers (YOUR) money will not be tolerated.  Things like $200 dollar haircuts and new china will be out of the question.

As far as education is concerned, as soon as children are old enough to enter the public school system, they will be given a test to determine their classroom.  The kids who are more advanced will be placed in a class with others of their level so they won't have to relearn things they already understand.  Kids who are not yet up to speed will be in a different class so that they can focus on the fundamentals.  A test will be given every year to place students in their appropriate classrooms, so as the child learns he will have an opportunity to advance.  "English as a second language" classes will be abolished.  If you hope to have any success in America you must be able to communicate effectively.  Immigrants will be required to take an English language class, much like other children take French or Spanish.  It will be mandatory to take careers classes in high school, including opportunities for internship at local companies and businesses.  This will enable them to learn what their interests are and develop skills to become part of the work force instead of another deadbeat.  College will still be an option, but there will be a program in place for students who choose not to go but still plan on working for a living (read: everyone).  

Obviously this is just the tip of the iceberg.  There is an awful lot wrong with how our current government runs us, but I believe in America.  All that is needed is strong, moral leadership by someone who isn't afraid to tell the crybabies to shut up and won't give in to "politics" and corruption.  That leader will never be elected to office because the very act of "running for office" is a hotbed of compromise and agendas.  To get the feminist vote, you have to give them something.   To get the minority vote, you have to give them something.  When I'm King, there will be no "somethings" because I can't be bought.  But don't worry.   My Kingship will only last for 10 years, then I must abdicate my throne.  And if the American people don't see drastic improvement by the time my monarchy is up, then they can go back to the same old election process.  You certainly wouldn't be any worse off.

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